Annotation:

This is the initial simple draft of my RIP project, coming almost directly from my outline. In this draft, I am missing some description of character’s mentality, making it plain and sometimes confusing. Later I revised the story by adding details and description that reflect the character’s thoughts to make it clearer and more interesting to my audience. For example, at the beginning of my story, the heroine is saved by a human. In this draft, I only narrated the event by stating that “The young man heard her crying and, went into the water to rescue. He cut the net open and released Coral”. This version of the story tells nothing about the motivation of the man for saving the heroine, and it also sounds plain and perhaps boring. To address to this problem, I added a paragraph describing the human’s love for the sea. By writing “Having grown up on the shore, he loved the sea, and cherished all creatures in it. Perhaps that was why he did not even hesitate going down into the sea to save that unusual fish on that stormy night”, I explain the reason for the human’s saving the heroine is because of love, relating it to the theme. I also added description of Coral’s thoughts and emotions, writing “As the threads wrapped tighter and tighter around her tail, she screamed in desperation; she even started to regret going so close to the land”, to make the scene more active and vivid.

Hui Li (Judy)

Writing 39B

W17 5pm

Professor Shyam Patel

RIP Project Draft 1

Coral of the Sea

Once upon a time, there was a village under the sea. It sat in shallow water near the coast of coral reefs, and inside the large coral reefs were the houses of mermaids. The mermaids lived a peaceful life, eating, sleeping, raising children, and working on their own career. Among the villagers was a little girl. Her mother named her Coral, in the hope that she would inherit her job and grow the corals when she grew up. As a child, Coral used to stare at the surface of the sea the way curious humans stare at the sky, and imagine the world in the air that she had never seen. Finally, on her seventeenth birthday, she was given the chance to swim up to the surface and observe the world of humans. And the human world was fantastic: she saw people playing at the beach, fireworks that blend into the stars, and a young man playing with the fish. But on her way back, she was caught in a fishing net near the shore, and no matter how she struggled she could not get loose. The young man heard her crying and, went into the water to rescue. He cut the net open and released Coral, but after doing this, he was so tired he could not swim back to the shore. He sank to the bottom of the sea and drowned.

Realizing that the man died saving her, Coral decided to revive him. She went to the witch and begged her for help: “This person died saving me. I owe him life and I have to pay it back.” Upon hearing this, the witch poured scorn on the girl, saying, “The most pathetic thing in the world is that you attempt to pay back what you think you owe, then you’ll find there’s no way you can do this. What is sacrificed can never be paid back.” But Coral was determined, and she readily paid half of her life to the witch in exchange for her help. So the witch collected the man’s soul and gave it to Coral in a jar, telling her to send it back to the shore only when it is mature.

Keeping a human soul is of the worst sins in the village, so Coral carefully hid the soul in her room. However, one day Coral’s brother visited her room and caught sight of the soul in the jar. He was supposed to report it to the authority, but he loved his sister so dearly that he did not want her punished. He kept the secret, and helped Coral move the soul to a wasted cabin in case someone else will visit the room.

As they settled the soul in the cabin, a snake appeared in the darkness and, before anyone had a chance to react, bit Coral in her leg and escaped. Soon Coral was lying unconscious on the floor. Her brother was filled with regret; he would rather die than let his dear little sister suffer. He rushed her to their grandfather who was a doctor. The old man examined the girl, and realized there was no cure for the poison, so he drew the venom into his own body, and within an hour the girl recovered. But the old man was dying, and Coral was distressed. She held her grandfather’s hand and wept, “Grandpa, it’s all my fault”. She had added one more life to her debt. “You should not be worrying about it. Death is a part of life that no one can avoid.” These were the last words of the old man.

Months went by, and the soul in the jar had evolved into the shape of a little human. Soon he will be sent back to the land to be recovered. But nature sensed that someone was breaking its law, and brought disaster to the village. The sea water turned sour, and the coral reefs were corroded, destroying the houses inside them. Some villagers were buried under the fallen houses, and the survivors became homeless. The angry villagers gathered and searched for the source of the disaster. When they arrived at the wasted cabin, they caught Coral with the soul.

Among the villagers was Coral’s mother. Realizing what her daughter had done, she ran to her daughter to seize the soul. But Coral hugged the soul tightly and begged, “Please, mom, please don’t kill it. It is a life I owe.” Her mother was greatly disappointed, and shouted at the girl, “What a disobedient child! Do you even know how much you owe me? I sacrificed my youth, giving you life, taking care of you and earning your food. I hoped that you will be a good child, the do what I want you do. But you are such an unfilial child, it is a waste giving birth to you and raising you.” She was so disappointed that she shed tears.

Meanwhile, another giant reef crashed, and the villagers hurried to the site to help their families. Coral watched as they carried wounded villagers to safety, as the children shivered in cold and fear, as the survivors cried over their deceased families. She finally realized that her attempt to pay back what she owed has failed completely, and it struck her how much pain she had caused the others. The pain of guilt knocked her dead. But see what happened to her body! Corals grew out of it, and attached to the reefs, covering them in a thick layer that shielded the reefs from the sour water. The village was saved.

Coral’s mother should be satisfied now, since Coral did as she wished. But she leaned on the corals and sobbed, “my daughter did as I hoped, and paid back what I sacrificed for her, but why am I not happy? I sacrificed for my daughter because I love her, yet I was expecting her to pay it back as if love was a trade. How silly! Now I realize love needs nothing in return; her happiness is of sole importance for me. But it is too late!”

Even more heartbroken was Coral’s brother, who loved her more than anyone in the world. He went to the witch and begged, “can I exchange for the half of Coral’s life with my own?” Again, the witch agreed, but this time, she demanded the boy’s whole life in return. Without hesitation, the boy accepted the contract. The witch watched him as if she felt sorry for him: “you young people nowadays treat your lives as if they don’t worth a penny, only we old people do anything to live for one more day”. The boy turned to face the witch, and responded, “but what is the point of longevity if you live without happiness?” It was not that he wasn’t disturbed by death, but he had no regret for he sacrificed it for love. His prior concern was that, despite his sacrifice needs nothing in return, Coral may still go out of her way to pay back.

When Coral woke up, she sensed her brother’s concerns, and finally understood those who sacrificed for her; she did not try to pay back, and she did not owe anything. Instantly the heavy burden was released. It all started with trying to revive that kind young man; Coral took the jar to the surface of water and released the soul, who flew to the shore for his rebirth. Then Coral returned to her home, where she lived happily ever after.