In this essay, I tried taking a persuasive tone. Being logical and supporting my claims with evidence. I chose to talk about the relationship between exercise and happiness. Having personal experience,  I chose this correlation because I experienced a happier life when I started to exercise. I used to be sad and self-conscious, but when I started doing physical activity it guided me to be an overall happier human being. It built my confidence along with my self-esteem.

In my introduction paragraph, I chose to open up with the question “Are people who exercise happier in life?” to engage the reader's attention and interests them in reading my passage. 

The flaws that appeared in my first draft were the length of the text and not being descriptive in my paragraphs. The improvements I established, transforming my first draft into my final draft, was first I observed in my first draft was that I was provided evidence but insufficient in being descriptive along with my claims. An example of this would be:

“Moreover, exercise can result in an individual living longer than other people. In the article ‘Effect of exercise on life satisfaction and happiness’, Paffenbarger et al. concluded that ‘Individuals who do walk, take the stairs, play different sports and burn more than 2,000 Kcals of energy per week live 2.5 years longer on average than those who burn less than 500 Kcal per week on these activities.’ From this excerpt, it concludes that any type of exercise can have a positive impact on an individual's living condition. It results in an individual having a longer life on Earth.”

This paragraph is “weak”  because I didn’t further explain the impact exercise has on an individual's life span. In my final draft, I added claims like “Physical activity is proven to be a source in a human’s life expectancy”  and “The effects of doing exercise result in humans living a longer life than those who don’t” and provided an article which affirms and supports the credibility of my claims. This conveys the claims being “strong” and persuasive. It resulted in the following:

”Moreover, exercise prolongs an individuals’ lifespan compared to individuals who live a sanitary lifestyle. Physical activity is proven to be a source in a human’s life expectancy. The effects of doing exercise result in humans living a longer life than those who don’t. In the article ‘Effect of exercise on life satisfaction and happiness”, Paffenbarger et al. concluded that “Individuals who do walk, take the stairs, play different sports and burn more than 2,000 Kcals of energy per week live 2.5 years longer on average than those who burn less than 500 Kcal per week on these activities.’ From this excerpt, it concludes that any type of exercise can have a positive impact on an individual's living condition. It illustrates the positive effect physical activity has on a person’s health by resulting in them having a longer existence.”

Secondly, I recognized that the length of my passage was insufficient. It made the extract seem not compelling or persuasive to the reader. I decided to add one last claim supported with evidence in the body paragraph. This will build more strength and credibility in the extract. The claim was “exercise within individuals leads to obtaining a healthier heart,” supported by the article ”Effects of exercise training on quality of life, symptoms of depression, symptoms of anxiety and emotional well-being in type 2 diabetes mellitus: A systematic review.” In the paragraph,  I went into description about reasons why doing exercise or fitness will lead to a positive influence within the cardiovascular system and why it is important to be active within physicality.