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Instructor Review

  • you are required to have a title, so make sure to add one for your final draft
  • I have no major comments overall. You have a very strong first draft. One area that would suggest you look at is the connect between this disorder and the pandemic. You mention this in your intro, but you do not provide much detail. You do not need to add much (just a few sentences), but you should provide a little more context in order to clarify that what you are going to discuss is not just gaming addiction in general, but specifically the impact that the pandemic has had on this disorder and the fact that the pandemic has changed the disorder permanently. Over the course of your CP then, you always want to make sure that you are tying these two factors together: gaming addiction, and the impact of the pandemic on this disorder.

 

Nathan Hongwei Shyu Peer Review

Overall, I think you did a good job of using your sources to connect the whole essay together and the flow/structure was very smooth. It was easy to understand what the main argument of each paragraph was. The way you wrapped up your conclusion by tying everything together gave the readers a nice recap of what your main argument was, which I thought was a really nice touch. One thing that I think you can add to your conclusion is explaining more of how video game addiction has changed peoples lives and our society as a whole. Instead of focusing on possible ways to solve this problem. Also, there are just a few places where you can add a few more statistics that I pointed out above, then it would make your argument stronger and flow even better. There wasn’t an abstract for me to read and for your multimodality, I couldn't see if you attached images or something for them. I just saw Fig. 1, 2, and 3 but there wasn't anything there so it might just be a technical issue. The grammar seemed good but maybe a few words are used in the wrong tense.

 

Paul Joyce Protacio De Jesus Peer Review

Intro: In your intro, it is very clear what your topic is. It’s apparent that your topic is about video game addiction and its recent spike during the pandemic to the point where it’s been considered an official diagnosis by the World Health Organization. You did a good job with explaining the key aspects of why it’s become a problem in recent events, like mentioning the lack of social interaction and making up for it through video games.
Historical Context: It’s clear that you opened up your project with an anecdote about a mother whose son is suffering from video game addiction. With your sources, it is apparent that the reasons for video game addiction are the lack of social interaction due to the pandemic, the algorithms companies use and the trend of what is popular to determine what should be included in a video game. I think your usage of your concrete details are excellent, but there should be more of an expansion in your details. For example in your concrete that mentions the W.H.O. classification being pushed back by the video game industry on page 5, there’s only 1 sentence after the detail, and you can probably use these explanations as a way to tie in your graphs that you have present throughout your project into your essay. You did a good job with adding in the multimodality aspect of your project, but the elements you have just need to be cited somehow into your project. Overall, it’s clear what your topic is about, and the grammatical structure makes sense, but there just needs to be more explanations in some of your details.
Conclusion: Your conclusions were well done in the sense that you not only summarized what your essay was about, but you even mentioned how video game addiction is an overall problem because of how common it is with there being no exact time of when it started. It’s good that you even acknowledged that decreasing it will take time and effort, but the first step to combat it is small, like spreading awareness. The added insight of video game addiction seeming like it’s trivial is a part of the problem of the addiction, and adding that information is good with helping with your suggestion of spreading awareness.
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