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Instructor Peer Review

I have a general sense of what you plan to discuss, but it is not clear enough. The first step is to make sure you include an abstract. In the essay itself, you need to clearly state your main topic in your intro. Your interest seems to be that the approaches we have seen so far to gaming addiction are misguided or insufficient (I am not sure which). This is something you need to clear up. Are you saying that the current approaches to gaming addiction are not strong enough, or that they are focusing on the wrong issues? Following this, you need to construct your response so that it addresses the specifics of the problem as you have defined it. Because your definition of the problem is rather loose, your response is all somewhat broad. You mention things like increasing awareness of the problem, treatment, and the impact of the pandemic among other things. Your provide a lot of useful information, but how you currently have your AP organized makes your ideas somewhat difficult to follow. While the general sense of your topic is clear, there are important areas where more detail is needed. Overall, your discussion could also be improved by stronger organization. There are three basic components that you should focus on: intro, description of the problem, and your proposed response. Locating the information you have into the corresponding section will make your discussion a little clearer. The reader should be able to identify a clear, logical progression of ideas from beginning to end in your AP. This begins with your thesis, then moves onto a clearly defined problem, and finally a solution that responds directly to the specific concerns you define. In this draft, the problem is only loosely defined, and the solutions you propose address different issues. Begin with tightening up your thesis, then use it as a guide for reworking your other sections. 

Junyao Yao Peer Review

I can locate your thesis easily in the introduction paragraph. a detailed action is clearly stated. I can see increasing awareness by spreading info in media and treatment plan for those who really needed. However, you mention "reasoning why gamers find solace in video games in the first place and how to help them find other ways to deal" (1). Finding solace in games, in my views, does not equal to addiction. It is normal for people to enjoy entertaining themselves, I think, to be more accurate, "reasoning why some gamers tend to have gaming addiction" will be a more accurate phrase. I think "find solace" may cause some misunderstanding or misinterpretation for audience because you kinda saying that finding solace in video games is bad, or it just will make people addicted to game. Managing negative emotions through gaming is pretty normal but not necessarily cause addiction? For your personal evaluation in gaming addiction and advocacy. I can absolutely feel how much effort you put into researching because there are a lot of good information, but I personally feel like your personal interpretation is very little comparing to huge amount of quotations. However, I love how you connect back to your main point at the end of the paragraph in page 4. I can definitely see it is a viable and realistic action, but who are you calling out to? The media, the government, or your reader? Who can help you achieve such a approach? You effectively anticipate opposition because I was actually doubting your argument by the very same opposition. I was thinking about covid pandemic may influence people's lives and maybe game is simply to best option, but I also know that video game can manage one's negative emotions. Do you think that by managing one's negative emotions will make people addict to games?  Because of escapism? I also wish that there can be examples of what other activities other than video game can be other options during the pandemic because you only mention "other activities" in page 6. Based on the evidence you provided, I am  convinced. This is because you have sufficient information to back up your argument, but I think more of your personal evaluation will help a lot. You seem to have too many direct quotations which sometimes confuses me in understanding which part is your evaluation and which part is research details, experts' opinions, or experiment results. Now, organization. Your organization overall is good, but sometimes it would confuse me because it kinda jump from this to that without transitioning. Therefore, I think adding subtitles indicating your focuses will help me a lot in understanding you argument. For example, in page 5, you ended the previous paragraph with policies can speak louder but not necessarily having a greater effect, and the next paragraph you suddenly jump to opposition. I was super confused at the first glance. I appreciate that you have a variety f multimodal argumentation backing up your argument. I see bar graph and video, but the first picture is extremely blurry! I hope that can be replaced or recapture. I honestly cannot read a single word from that picture. I also realize you missed some commas between sentences, but it just minor issues. However, I do realize some of the pictures or videos sitting between paragraphs, it is kinda of unnature to me because normally people inserting it with texts on the side. Is it a way you use for dividing up or switching up topics from last one to the next paragraph? Your citation looks great, there are a lot of credible sources, but there one from reddit. I am unsure about its quality. Overall, I enjoyed your essay because it really provides a lot of new info to me, and there are a lot of information to back up your argument.

 

Jiaqi Chen Peer Review

Hi Park! I think you did a really good job on expand and analyzing your issue. I love how you use the graphs as evidence to support your augment. You also mentioned the movements by different governments to strengthen your ideas. But I also have some suggestions for you. These might not be necessary. They are only my point of view. I am a little confused about your solution for game addiction. It seems like only write about the issue but have no clear ideas about how to solve the problem. I see you mentioned in the last paragraph that it will need us t recognize and value the problem first before we begin to solve the problem. I think it is a good point, but are there any approaches to strengthen this idea? This might be explained more in your AP. 
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