My peer edit for Aaron's Introduction for final portfolio:
Make sure to include a thesis arguing your progress in the class, then back up that thesis with substantial and relevant evidence (aka your own writing work throughout the class.
It’s good that you are aware of this, but this argument could be strengthen if you showed evidence from your RA that demonstrates this lack of understanding.
I feel like this idea should be developed in its own paragraph—leave this paragraph to explain what you did wrong and the new paragraph explaining the changes you would make if you had the opportunity to.
This paragraph is good, but develop it more. You could include how this changes can help your writing—you already demonstrated awareness of what you did wrong. You could also show how making changes would have been effective for your writing.
This sounds too broad—I would suggest just explaining what you actually learned! (Maybe this project taught you had to look for genre conventions related to your project and how to apply those conventions in your own—then you can explain the process you undertook like analyzing other real life models for their rhetorical usage. Me sure to site specific examples too. Like you could say that reading a certain model helped you get convention X, and then you went on to apply that convention X in your own project (show where in the project you applied it), then follow it with why you did that.
Don’t forget to describe the overall process of the class—use the critical reading exercises and the rip exercises as evidence of the process you under took.
You can explain how the RIP project made you more aware of the genre conventions and how those appear in the real world… also explore how that awareness shows progress in your writing. This is when you can analyze your companion essay as evidence of your improvement on that awareness.
Commentary: It is very true when people say that teaching or speaking something out, can help you see things clearer. This was the case with the revisions and editing that we did throughout the quarter. The above comments/ suggestions are for Aaron, but while reading his introduction, I realized that he was lacking a central idea and that so was I. So by editing and pointing out where he fell short, i noticed my own troubles as well. Also, giving suggestions made me understand better what the instructions and guideline were.
Some Comments I received:
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Hello Octavio, 1 & 2. I feel that your essay in general provides a sense of what you're aiming for, but I feel that it doesn't elaborate on the purpose enough. For example, in your 4th paragraph you mention objects like brooms and frying pans that relate to the domesticity of women, but it doesn't explain the connection of the specific stereotypical views you're aiming to address. You might want to target specific domestic traits of women and focus on explaining how it correlates to the way they are viewed today. You might also explain the relationship between the modern and classic princesses and illustrate how this contradiction brings to attention these particular messages you're communicating. 3. Your essay clearly states the audience it's targeting, but the purpose you state of why you selected this audience explains why you chose this audience for the specific medium and genre you were aiming for, but not the purpose. It would be helpful to ask yourself why teens in particular should see this message you're trying to convey and why it's significant to the purpose of your project, also possibly incorporating demographics to provide evidence that this particular group age shows most interest in comic books. 4,5,6. I feel that these points are addressed very well. Your essay effectively demonstrates what inspired you to make some of the rhetorical choices you did, including why you chose your particular medium and genre to convey the purpose of your project. The only suggestion I have is that you might also include some research that you may have done or demographic information you looked up to find out what different age groups were interested in. 7. I think that the way you can improve the organization of this essay is simply to try and develop your arguments more and show how each of the rhetorical choices you made connect to each other. 8. Overall, I think that your essay demonstrates your knowledge of what you want to achieve and why you chose these rhetorical choices. I feel that incorporation of demographic sources or models will help you demonstrate your arguments more effectively and elaborating more on the choices you made similar to how you did in the last paragraph would help understand your thought process better. Good luck! Best regards, Min
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Min Woo Choi, Nov 23 at 8:18pm |
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1. Overall good job you hit all the main arguments in the allotted amounts. Some areas seemed a bit vague like the whys, why is stereotyping funny, why the chosen message and so forth. But overall still a good job explaining it. 2. I know that you state that you will satirize the role of women etc but why is this funny or how will you make it so and why do u want or think people should laugh at these standards. 3. Overall the audience is very well fitting and i could easily see teens reading comics, was there a specific place where you thought it may be published? a feature work? a stand alone? 4. genre is very clear and explained in the essay. 5. Medium is well thought out as well can't wait to see the final product. 6. I think theres a lot of good depth in your project, maybe give a bit more specific ideas in the essay?
Commentary: Similar to how providing criticism was helpful, receiving it was just as helpful or even more. By going through the comments of my peers, I was able to see if I was getting some ideas right and where I fell short. But above all, their feedback influenced me to keep working and editing to meet the guidelines. Their commentary also made aware about choices I made or choices that I did not make. For instance, Jeffrey Masashi Kawa pointed out to me of maybe thinking about a potential publisher were my comic book could appear, so in my companion essay, I mentioned how I would like if my comic would appear in the marvel website. By doing this, my RIP was more complete and aware of that extra audience that would be analyzing my comic in order to decide if it would be published on their website.
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